When my girlfriend was frustrated about a choice her sister was making she kept saying things like, “I just don’t understand. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I want to understand but I can’t seem to get there. Help me get there, please!”
And the only thing I came up with was, “What if you actually don’t have to understand her choice?”
Long blank stare.
Stumped her with that one!
But she quickly recovered with, “But I really want to. I love my sister and I want to be able to support her through this.”
Then I said, “I’m pretty sure you can love your sister and support her without understanding her choice.”
“I don’t think I can?
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t agree with it.”
“So the only time you’re willing to support someone you love is when you agree with their choice?”
“No, but this is different. I’m afraid she’s going to get very hurt and I don’t want her to get hurt.”
“What if her getting hurt is the quickest way she gets to learn what she needs to learn from her choice and she actually grows from this experience?”
It was in that moment her eyes welled with tears and she said, “It hurts me to think about how badly this can turn out for her.”
A New Realization
The conversation went on for a while longer until she realized she would be there for her sister as best as she could as things unfolded. And just because we think we know how things are going to unfold for someone, doesn’t mean that’s going to happen.
It’s really easy to want to convince someone we love to do something differently when we don’t understand their choices, motivations, behaviors and beliefs. This happens because it can make us feel safer, calmer and less disconnected from them.
And from that perspective it actually becomes all about us and not about the other person as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
There’s no question that those we love can do things that make no sense to us and vice versa. I have certainly experienced this many times and it’s taught me a lot.
What I Learned
I’ve learned that it’s not always possible to understand and get on the same page with their choices. That’s okay!
I’ve learned that releasing myself from thinking I need to understand, frees me up to support them with an empty mind and an open heart. This way I am present with them on their journey, my judgement stays away and I let my support show up in ways that doesn’t disrupt my integrity or beliefs.
I’ve learned that a choice I perceive as harmful and dangerous, is one they don’t necessarily see the same way. For them, in that moment, it may be the only choice they believe they have. And no matter how I might point out the possible dangers and other options, it falls on deaf ears.
Every. Single. Time.
From that I learned my support will show up by continuing to love them and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to be helped. I can’t change anyone’s mind that doesn’t want to be changed. Surrendering to this has made it easier to be there should they be ready to make a new choice.
I’ve learned we are all wired a certain way, filtering the world through our very own lens and will learn through different experiences. Because of that, and so many other variables, I couldn’t possibly understand every choice, belief or behavior people make on any given day.
It’s simply not mine to understand.
So, if you can find the grace to give the people in your life the space to do what they do without needing to understand or make them wrong, while still loving them along their journey, you can often find a greater peace being lived within.
And greater peace internally brings greater peace externally.
In Peace,
Linda
