While visiting with my friend Kathy, she was sharing her frustration about saying yes to helping another friend in a couple of days. It involved a project that was going to take all day and Kathy knew very well her plate was already overfilled. The day she agreed to help her friend was a day she originally set aside to get caught up with her own life.
This is a pattern I’ve seen with Kathy throughout the years. Over giving and putting herself last. We’ve talked about it before and she’s definitely made some inroads toward changing this but here she was once again.
I continued to listen and when she stopped long enough to take a breath, I found myself saying:
“Kath, from my experience, an honest no is more loving than a dishonest yes.”
The Stare
She just stared at me.
I mean, stared.
No facial expression. No words. Nothing.
I wasn’t sure what was happening for her but I figured I’d just stare back to see who would blink first.
Next thing I know she’s on the phone to her friend telling her she can’t stick to her original yes because, “An honest no is more loving than a dishonest yes.”
My blank stare turned into a loving smile.
She went on to explain her ‘honest no’ in the most kind, graceful and confident way.
No long explanations, no begging for forgiveness.
Simply, this is the truth and I hope you understand. I know her friend took it well because before Kathy hung up, she said, “I love you, too, and thank you for understanding.”
No More Stress
Now that friend is a keeper!
As she smiled at me feeling very proud of herself, I was blown away how different she looked. All the stress had left her face, she was glowing and looked younger. Our time together took on a completely different energy as my wonderful friend got to experience the power and joy of an ‘honest no’.
Now in case you’re thinking that her friend’s response could have gone differently, yes, that possibility is always there. And that doesn’t mean Kathy’s ‘honest no’ would have been the wrong thing to do.
When you agree to things that you know full well you don’t have time for, the bandwidth for, the ability to be fully present for, or just don’t want to do, it can turn into resentment. Leaving the door open to not giving the best of yourself to the other person. That’s unfair to the person you supposedly care about.
Not to mention unfair to yourself.
The truth is, we have no control over how people will react to an ‘honest no’. We only have control over how honest we’re willing to be with any request.
Sometimes that may mean saying you need to think about it. Or you need to check your schedule. There’s no law that says you have to jump to an answer simply because someone wants one in the moment.
I have often shared with clients who struggle with their no to say it this way:
“Thank you for trusting me enough to want my help. And at this time I can’t because I’m overcommitted in my life and don’t think I can give you the best of myself right now. And you deserve someone who can give you their best.”
Or some version of that, that’s comfortable and true for you.
It doesn’t matter. What does matter in the long run is…………….
